This is part 2 of my ego-recovery thoughts, so if you’re already perfect or at least out of the woods with your offspring, you can move on. See ya.
One of my “pet” exercises is to dissect what seems to be a four-part puzzle called metaphysical existence. In other words, having studied some biology, some chemistry and some physics in my younger years, I have been swinging through the trees like my ancestors trying to get a grasp of where tf my ego is located. It’s not in my foot or in my liver, not in my pocket or my cell phone. So, I figured, it can only be located in one of three places:
- in my Behavior
- in my Personality
- in my Identity
Then I sketched a line drawing of a small sailboat:
The sail represents my behavior.
The boat itself is my personality.
The anchor is my identity.
btw wind and water don’t fit into any of these categories (more on this fourth part later), but the rudder does (it’s part of the boat itself). I’m sure there are many other parts to a sailboat that you sailors out there could name and attribute in this simple model. Avast ye!
OK, so let’s get the more obvious stuff out of the way first: The sail moves at the whim of the wind, working together with the rudder to keep the boat afloat and moving forward, because progress is essential. Without progress, the sailor dries up in the sun, drowns in the water and gets consumed by the many denizens of the deep. For me, the sail is a metaphor for “behavior”. Behaviors can be altered with relatively little external force applied by the wind and the water (the fluids in this otherwise solid paradigm, with gravity — and hope — being the constants). The sailor himself can alter the course of the boat by harnessing the powers of the wind and the water. Or a sudden change in the behavior of either can change the direction and speed of the boat. A sailor learns to work with these unpredictable, external factors just as maturing and evolving humans learn to navigate their communities. In other words, behavior can be altered fairly easily as long as there is some benefit to the sailor.
The boat, however, represents “personality”. No matter which direction it moves, or at which speed, the sailor and the boat move together (forget Newton’s Third Law for now and try to stay metaphysical with me for a minute: the sailor knows better than to stand in the boat ;-)). So the sailor, even if his behavior happens to change, is still stuck within his personality. He can say bye bye to anger-based behavior eventually and progress to happier waters, but the sailor is still wrapped in his own personality, which has been forming since he was a child himself. If a personality change is desired or required, it means major renovations need to happen. The renovators have to make sure they understand all of the parts of the boat, its history, its experiences, its successes and its failures. Personality work may require professional guidance.
Then there’s the anchor, which in this fantasy represents “identity”. The anchor can either save the boat from sailing too far out to sea or prevent it from sailing at all. Identity is the ultimate answer, the supreme court, the tribal chief. Without its permission, personality doesn’t change and behavior is severely hindered. Yet every boat has — and needs — an anchor. Floating aimlessly in the ocean might work for a short period, but eventually the boat will come to ground. If the sailor is lucky, he will be rescued and, eventually, be allowed to build a new boat. Or be obliged to live out his existence under the control of another.
As far as “ego” is concerned, I am comfortable with comparing this glaring enemy of sustained, high-level communication our species will need if our goal is survival to the rope which connects the sail (behavior) to the boat (personality). The rope is only useful if the sailor uses it to control his sail and steer his boat through many storms. The ego is only useful if you can find ways to use it to manage your own behavior as you construct your personality. Clap back if you studied the role of ego in personality development…
Analyzing these connections will come later. For now, we’re still collecting data:
Now is the time to introduce the fourth aspect of this simplified metaphorical fantasy: Wind and water. Many readers will have already jumped to the correct conclusion that wind and water in this paradigm represent inspiration. Inspiration is ephemeral, difficult to comprehend because we take it for granted. Some of us spend years trying to find it. Others turn to mind-altering chemicals in our endless quest for answers to “where is this boat taking me?” or “why am I stuck in this cove under this cliff?”.
Here are my questions on the topic of ego: “should I hold onto this rope?” and “can I just let go?”.
The answer, it seems, is “YES!” and that comforts me, for some weird reason. Obviously, I’ll need some help from here on out. What are wind and water telling me? Am I even listening?
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-Nikolay